Foreplay: What is it, types & tips for better intimacy

Many people believe that foreplay is a type of sex that is supposed to happen before penetrative intercourse. However, that’s only one way to think about foreplay. "Foreplay is not five minutes before the real thing. Foreplay starts at the end of the previous orgasm,” says world-renowned couples therapist Esther Perel, who has helped thousands of couples keep the desire alive in long-term relationships. 

What is foreplay? 

Essentially, foreplay is a combination of sexual and non-sexual, physical, emotional, and psychological things we do with our partners to feel close to them. Foreplay is essential for getting in the mood for sex. Most often, foreplay takes place right before intercourse. However, foreplay might look different for different people. 

Foreplay can be all the small actions and interactions you have with your partner in between your time in the sheets. It's the cheeky glances, sweet compliments, holding hands while you go on a walk, and helping your partner do something when they ask you.

Types of foreplay

Foreplay isn’t just one thing. When it comes to pleasure, preferences and tastes vary widely. There is no set idea of what foreplay is. However, some types of foreplay include:

• Flirting: Random affection during the day, playful jokes, and showing your partner that you find them desirable.
• Kissing: Sweet peck on the cheek, loving forehead kiss, or a full make-out session.
• Touching: Holding your partner's hand, playing with their hair, caressing their cheek, or playfully spanking their butt as you pass by them.
• Sexting: Sending a cute, cheeky, or steamy message letting them know how you feel or what you want to do to them.
• Consuming erotic material: Reading erotica, listening to audio erotica, or watching ethical porn together.
• Taking a bath or a shower together: Washing each other's hair or bodies can be intimate and sweet without being sexual.
• Giving your partner a sensual massage: A full-body massage with essential oils, a foot rub on the sofa, or a simple head massage.
• Complimenting your partner: Telling them when they look nice or letting them know you're proud of them.
• Cuddling: Hugging them tightly when you pass by or cuddling on the sofa while watching a movie together.

5 benefits of foreplay

In heterosexual relationships, there’s sometimes a perception that foreplay is for the benefit of the female partner only and that men consider it to be a waste of time. However, a small study found that couples engage in foreplay activities to obtain pleasure for both partners [1]. But that's not all – there are many benefits to engaging in foreplay.

1. Helps with natural lubrication

Foreplay can prolong sexual excitement, but It can also help get the body ready for penetrative sex. While vaginas are naturally lubricated, this doesn’t happen immediately, and having penetrative vaginal sex without lubrication can lead to discomfort or pain during sex. 

"Engaging in intimate acts such as kissing, touching, and caressing stimulates blood flow and heightens sensitivity, which is especially important for women who may need more time to become physically ready for penetration," explains psychologist and relationship advisor Tatyana Dyachenko.

2. Boost emotional connection

Foreplay can also boost emotional connection between partners as it offers a less invasive way of having sex. "Foreplay is essential because it deepens intimacy, builds anticipation, and enhances pleasure, creating a stronger physical and emotional connection," says sex educator and therapist Niki Davis-Fainbloom, who helps couples and individuals have better sex.

3. Enhances pleasure and orgasms

Engaging in prolonged foreplay can offer enhanced sensations during sex because it gives our bodies more time to get aroused. "Sexual arousal for both the body and mind often takes time to build, with peak arousal typically taking between 10 and 30 minutes — and people with vulvas generally need longer than those with penises to reach this state," says Davis-Fainbloom.

4. Spices up your sex life

There are many different ways to engage in foreplay. Because of that, it's very easy to add novelty to your relationship. One time, you can use sex toys together, while the next time, you might engage in oral sex instead. You have the power to decide. There is no script to follow. "Embracing spontaneity and creativity can lead to more exciting and pleasurable experiences," says Dyachenko.

5. Increases chances of an orgasm

While an orgasm is not the goal of sex, it's an indication of sexual satisfaction for many. If you want to have more orgasms, engaging in foreplay more often and for longer can make a huge difference. "Often, the key to a more pleasurable experience is not "more" or "harder" penetration but simply engaging in more varied and prolonged foreplay," says Davis-Fainbloom.

Foreplay tips for better intimacy

The first step to enhancing intimacy with your partner through foreplay is to make it a priority. "To enhance foreplay, couples should consider prioritizing time and allowing ample space for this intimate engagement without rushing," says Dyachenko.

Once foreplay is a routine and a priority in your sexual repertoire, here are some foreplay ideas to try:

• Tell your partner what you want: Your partner can't read your mind, so you might want to help them out by communicating your desires, wants, and needs. They'll be grateful —honest communication can be a huge turn-on.
• Ask your partner what they like: If your partner is shy or has trouble initiating the conversation, you might want to take the lead and gently ask them whether they enjoy certain actions you do during foreplay or how to make it more pleasurable for them.
• Show your partner: Sometimes, actions can speak louder than words. Consider showing your partner where and how you enjoy being touched. They'll surely appreciate the private show and clear directions.
• Get naked together: Even in a non-sexual context, consider spending more time naked while you're together. Shower together, dress for the day together, sleep naked, or cook Sunday breakfast only in your underwear.
• Take foreplay outside the bedroom: Go on dates, plan adventures, play couples' games, flirt with each other, and show other forms of affection outside the bedroom.
• Touch them more often: Hold your partner's hand when you're outside, caress their arm as you pass them, and hug and cuddle any chance you get to feel more intimate with each other.
• Let them know they're on your mind: Send them a random text during the day to let them know you're thinking of them. Receiving such a spontaneous message is a great show of affection.
• Play a couples game: Consider investing in one or two board or app games designed for couples to deepen their intimacy and get to know each other on a deeper level.
• Share your fantasies: Watch porn together, read steamy romance, or listen to audio erotica and discuss what turns you on in erotic material and what you might even consider re-creating in real life with your partner.
• Create a sex menu: A sex menu is a list of sexual activities you like for foreplay, intercourse, and aftercare in the form of "appetizer," "main course," and "dessert." Making it fun and playful might help you both open up about your desires more.
• Incorporate sex toys: You might use sex toys together, use a sex toy yourself and have your partner watch you, or use the sex toy on them.

What is afterplay?

Afterplay, also called aftercare, is an intimate activity you and your partner engage in after sex. Essentially, it's a time to unwind and feel closer to each other after intimacy, which can bring up intense feelings and emotions for some. Afterplay can involve things like cuddling, kissing, showering together, pillow talk, or having a snack and a drink together. Just like with foreplay, there is no "one size fits all," so engage in activities that feel good for you and your partner.  

Non-penetrative sex is still sex

The idea of foreplay becomes more complicated when you consider that many people don’t have penetrative sex. The word foreplay presumes that types of sex, like oral sex or using sex toys, are simply an introduction to the "main event." This implies that non-penetrative sex is somehow less important and, in doing so, devalues others’ experience of pleasure. Here at Natural Cycles, we celebrate sex in all its forms and want you to have the kind of sex that feels good for you.

Over 70% of female orgasms happen due to direct stimulation of the clitoris (rather than through penetrative sex on its own) [2]. If we continue to think of penetrative sex as the ‘real’ type of sex, then we also contribute to denying female pleasure is real and as important as male pleasure – this can, in turn, lead to what’s known as the orgasm gap – a discrepancy between male and female orgasm.

Myths and misconceptions about foreplay

Despite the importance of foreplay to our sexual satisfaction, there are many misconceptions and myths many still believe to this day. It's time we break them down.

Foreplay is only physical

Many believe that foreplay is strictly physical and only involves manual stimulation of each other's genitals before penetration. That's only one way to think about foreplay, and it might be standing between you and the satisfying sex life you desire.

Foreplay can encompass almost everything we do with our partners, and stimulating each other mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually, for some, can make a huge difference in how connected and turned on you feel in the bedroom.

Foreplay only happens right before sex

A common myth about foreplay is that it starts only right before sex, in the bedroom. For many couples, that’s simply not the case. "Foreplay shouldn't only start just before sex — it should be ongoing," says certified sex expert Isabelle Uren.

It involves going on dates with your partner, supporting them during hard times, listening to how their day went, and taking out the trash if they ask you to. All the small glances, touches, kisses, and sweet words to each other also matter. "If you incorporate more foreplay into your daily life, you will be starting from a higher base level of arousal, making it easier to get in the mood for sex," Uren adds.

Only women need foreplay

Although the female anatomy might require more time to “warm up,” foreplay is not reserved for one gender only. "Foreplay isn't only for vulva owners. Both partners can enjoy more pleasure and intimacy by engaging in foreplay!" says Uren.

Penetration must occur after foreplay

A common misconception people have is that there is a formula for sex. First comes foreplay, and then comes penetration. This is a one-sided way of perceiving sex, and while it might work for some people, it's not for everyone. "Foreplay can be the main event," says Uren.

Foreplay is just as pleasurable and important as penetration. Neither is worse or better than the other. "Often, we think of fingering, handjobs, and oral sex as foreplay. While they can make for some great foreplay, they can be pleasurable in their own right, and choosing to focus purely on one of them can offer more sexual variation," Uren adds. Whether or not you choose to engage in penetrative sex depends on you, and it's not mandatory.

What is outercourse?

Some people might consider foreplay to be the same as outercourse, but that's not quite right. Foreplay is sexual and non-sexual activities that happen prior to sex, while outercourse includes sexual activities that don't involve penetration [3].

People might want to engage in outercourse for many different reasons, such as painful penetration, avoiding pregnancy, or simply adding novelty and variety to their sexual routines. Despite not involving penetration, outercourse is still a valid sexual activity and can offer just as much pleasure as penetrative sex.

Foreplay, outercourse, and STIs

You don’t have to have penetrative sex to spread sexually transmitted infections, these can also be passed on through unprotected oral sex and genital touching. Using condoms or dental dams can help protect you from STIs during all types of sexual activity.

Talking about foreplay and other types of sex

While it might seem daunting, talking about sex is important. Communicating about what does or doesn’t feel good can be beneficial both in the short and the long term. Sex that you don’t enjoy isn’t fun and can even put you off having sex altogether – especially if it becomes painful. 

You should never have to have any type of sex if you don’t want to, and it’s important that your partner values how you feel about this. Remember that foreplay is different for everyone, including how long it lasts and what feels good. Clear communication with your partner helps build trust and also lets them know what you’re really into!

Natural birth control tailored to you

We hope you learned something new about foreplay and outercourse. Here at Natural Cycles, we are passionate about spreading knowledge about reproductive health – from understanding our anatomy to talking about birth control, there’s lots to learn about our health.

When it comes to preventing pregnancy, there is no one-size-fits-all birth control method. At Natural Cycles we provide a hormone-free alternative. Natural Cycles uses basal body temperature data to get to know your cycle and identify the days when you are fertile. You can then abstain from penetrative sex or use protection on those days to prevent pregnancy.