Abstinence & outercourse: What they are and how they work

What is abstinence?

Generally, sexual abstinence is defined as refraining from various sexual activities, such as oral, vaginal, or anal sex with a partner. Some people may abstain from all sexual activities, including solo masturbation, while others may choose to engage in self-pleasure and only abstain from partnered sex. 

There are many reasons people choose to use abstinence. Some people might be abstinent for short periods of time throughout their lives, whereas others may choose long periods of abstinence or, in some cases, lifelong abstinence.

Abstinence is an individual choice, and for some people, it’s a great option – but as with all individual choices, it doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone! 

How does abstinence work?

People use abstinence for various reasons (more on that below), but when it comes to using abstinence to prevent pregnancy, the method works by keeping sperm cells away from a female egg cell. Without vaginal intercourse, there's no way for the sperm to fertilize the egg, which is how pregnancy occurs [1].

Abstinence can also be used as part of natural family planning as a means to prevent pregnancy. Natural family planning works by finding the fertile days when you are at risk of pregnancy. During this fertile window, it’s important not to have unprotected penetrative sex. For some people, this means using condoms, and for other people, this means abstaining from penetrative sex. 

What are the different types of abstinence?

There are two different abstinence types. Sexual abstinence may be primary, meaning that you have never engaged in intercourse before, or secondary, when you have had sex with a partner before but are choosing not to engage in any sexual activities anymore [2].  

While some people may want to use abstinence to prevent pregnancy, they may still want to find ways to be sexual with their partners. So, people may choose to engage in other activities such as oral sex, kissing, or touching. This is often referred to as outercourse.

What is outercourse?

Outercourse is a term that’s sometimes used to describe any form of sexual activity that doesn't involve penetration or intercourse. What sort of activities counts as outercourse varies from person to person but may generally include things like:

• Kissing
• Cuddling
• Massage
• Sexual rubbing
• Sharing sexual fantasies
• Phone sex
• Mutual masturbation
• Oral sex
• Anal sex
• Fingering [3]

Abstinence vs. outercourse

Abstinence and outercourse are terms often used interchangeably, though they're not actually the same thing. Personal definitions of abstinence can vary. Some people consider outercourse to be a form of abstinence, and that works great for them. However, in many cases, abstinence means not engaging in sexual activities at all, while outercourse encompasses all the sexual activities that don't involve intercourse or penetration.

Abstinence and outercourse are different not only by definition but also by intention. Abstinence may be voluntary when someone actively chooses not to have sex due to health or religious reasons. Or it may be involuntarily, when someone isn’t sexually active or may not be able to have sex due to aging, medical conditions, or even psychological reasons [2].

Outercourse, on the other hand, is something that people often choose due to various reasons. For example, we may want to engage in non-penetrative activities to avoid pregnancy, increase pleasure, or add novelty to our sex life.

Pros & cons of abstinence

What are the benefits and risks of practicing sexual abstinence? Well, there are quite a few compelling pros and cons:

Pros:

• Prevents STIs: Abstaining from any form of sexual activity is one way to prevent contracting an STI.
• Prevents pregnancy: When practiced consistently, abstinence can be extremely effective at preventing pregnancy. No sexual activity means there are no chances of sperm getting anywhere close to the female egg cell.

Cons: 

• Hard to practice: Abstinence is only effective in preventing pregnancy and protecting against STIs if it's practiced consistently. That may be harder to do than we think because choosing to be abstinent doesn't make sexual desire and attraction to our partners disappear. It requires 24/7 mindfulness, dedication, and will, which can be hard for some.
• May lead to poor relationship with sex: In some countries, it’s common to teach an abstinence-first approach to sex education. However, we know that this method is only one of a number of different approaches and won’t work for everyone. Research shows that receiving abstinence-first sex education doesn't delay the age of first-time sexual intercourse [4].
• May negatively impact mental health: Sex and orgasms have a multitude of health benefits [5], and abstaining from any sexual activity may have adverse mental health effects. Recent research shows that during lockdown, people who were sexually active had lower anxiety and depression scores compared to people who weren't [6].

 Abstinence and fertility

There’s a lot of stigma and misinformation about the relationship between fertility and abstinence. One of the common beliefs is that to increase your chances of conceiving, it’s a good idea to abstain from sex, so it gives more time for the sperm to “accumulate.” Let’s see what the science says.

For men who are trying to conceive and are looking for ways to boost fertility, abstinence may be a way to improve sperm quality. However, it only applies to short-term abstinence of 24 hours – one study found that after abstaining from ejaculation for a day, men's sperm showed increased motility, oxidative activity, and sperm function [7].

That same study found that after longer periods of delaying ejaculation, the sperm quantity increased, but the quality started to decline. So, the evidence suggests not having sex for long periods of time doesn’t improve fertility. 

Pros & cons of outercourse

What are the benefits and risks of engaging in outercourse? Here are some pros and cons:

Pros: 

• Adds variety to your sex life: Novelty is key to keeping passion alive in long-term relationships, and couples who try new things together (outside and inside the bedroom) tend to report higher relationship satisfaction [8]. Outercourse may be a great and easy way to add variety and try something different with your partner.
• Minimizes risk of pregnancy: While outercourse activities are not 100% pregnancy-risk-free, most can be if you're diligent about the way you engage in outercourse. For example, activities like kissing, cuddling, dry humping, and even mutual masturbation are safe and can greatly reduce the chances of pregnancy [3].
• Gives an alternative way to enjoy pleasure: Some people have trouble enjoying intercourse due to pain or discomfort. Engaging in non-penetrative sex-focused activities like oral sex, mutual masturbation, or dry humping may be a great way to enjoy sex and have an easier time achieving orgasms.

Cons:

• May still lead to pregnancy: Just because the penis doesn’t enter the vagina, it doesn’t mean outercourse activities can’t lead to pregnancy. If the ejaculate gets close to the vagina, there’s a chance that the sperm may fertilize the egg.
• May not be for everyone: Some people may require intercourse to take place during intimate moments for them to feel sexually satisfied and close with their partners. Because sex is an individual experience, outercourse may simply not be the right form of sex for some.

How effective are abstinence and outercourse?

If you want to use abstinence or outercourse as a birth control method, you might be curious to find out how effective they are at preventing pregnancies.

How effective is abstinence?

When it comes to preventing pregnancy, abstinence is effective if practiced consistently. Meaning: if you avoid any and all sorts of sexual activities at all times, you won’t get pregnant. However, sexual abstinence can be difficult to practice, and, as we already touched on, it’s really up to an individual whether or not abstinence suits their lifestyle and values.

While no birth control method is 100% effective at preventing pregnancy, it’s good to consider an option that you are willing to use and will suit you. In short, abstinence works if you can stick to it, but if it’s not for you, you might want to consider another birth control option. 

How effective is outercourse?

When it comes to preventing pregnancy, outercourse can be an effective method. If you engage in outercourse activities such as kissing, cuddling, dry humping with clothing, or mutual masturbation, then your chances of pregnancy are extremely low.

However, other forms of outercourse may have a higher chance of pregnancy. Keep in mind that pregnancy can happen if any sperm cells get into the vagina. It doesn’t have to just be through penetrative sex. So it’s really important to wash hands and sex toys if they get ejaculate on them before putting them in the vagina to avoid the risk of pregnancy.

Can you get pregnant from dry humping?

Dry humping is a form of outercourse when you rub and grind against your partner for sexual pleasure. You may choose to dry hump with your clothes on or naked. Either way, dry humping can be pleasurable and lead to an orgasm.

Generally, dry humping is considered to be a low-risk sexual activity, but the chances of getting pregnant depend on how you choose to engage in this activity – if you're dry humping while fully clothed, the chances of pregnancy are non-existent [9].

However, if you choose to dry hump naked, and involve genital rubbing and ejaculation occurs, some of the sperm may get inside the vaginal canal, increasing your chances of getting pregnant [3]. Though, the chances of this happening are low. 

Do abstinence and outercourse protect against STIs?

When practiced properly, sexual abstinence can be very effective at protecting us against contracting STIs. The science is simple – no sexual activity, the risk of STIs is almost zero.

Outercourse is a different matter, though. When it comes to preventing STIs, engaging in certain outercourse activities like anal sex or oral sex without protection with partners whose sexual history you don't know may put you at an even higher risk of contracting an STI [3]. So, the effectiveness of outercourse in preventing STIs will greatly vary from person to person.

How do I talk to my partner about not having sex?

Open, non-judgmental sexual communication is key to a satisfying sex life and relationship. If you're considering practicing abstinence and you're in a relationship, it's important to communicate your desires to your partner so you can both be on the same page. 

We get it – talking about sex can be intimidating. Here are a few tips that may help you overcome the discomfort when talking about sex and your needs:

• Be honest: If you want to stop having sex for whatever reason, be honest and straightforward with your partner. Share your thoughts, feelings, and reasons for wanting to abstain from sex so they can better understand how you’re feeling. Tell them exactly how you want them to support you so they know what to do and are not left trying to read your mind or guessing.
• Be upfront: If you're just entering a new relationship, be upfront about your desire to practice abstinence as soon as possible. Don't wait until you're about to have sex to drop this piece of information – have a conversation beforehand so your partner knows what's happening.
• Set boundaries: If you choose to practice abstinence, it's your right to set boundaries around what forms of intimacy you feel comfortable with and which are off-limits. Your partner should always respect those boundaries and be supportive of them.  

Every one of us is different and may have a different view of sexuality and sex. We all have different sexual desires and sex drives. So, keep that in mind and be patient with your partner as you navigate these complex conversations.

How do I talk to my partner about outercourse?

Talking about sex when you're happy with your sex life but want to try something new can be equally as complicated. Don't worry – you're not alone. Many couples feel apprehensive when it comes to talking about sex.

The good news is, expressing your sexual desires is easier than you think, as long as you approach the conversation about trying outercourse from the right angle:

• Avoid criticism: When communicating your desire to try something new with your partner, always try to frame it from a positive angle, rather than criticizing your current sex life. Instead of saying, "Our sex life is boring, I want to try something new to shake things up," try something like: "Babe, I love having sex with you. How do you feel about trying [X, Y, Z...] together?"
• Make a "Yes/No/Maybe" list: If talking about it is hard, why not put things on the paper? On your next date night, make a "Yes/No/Maybe" list with your partner. Each of you writes down outercourse activities you want to try in the "Yes" column, activities that are off-limits in the "No," and activities you're curious about in the "Maybe" column. Swap your lists, find activities in the "Yes" and "Maybe" columns that overlap, and start exploring.
• Respect is key: Always respect your partner’s desires and boundaries when it comes to trying new things together. They may be hesitant when you first introduce the idea – give them time and space to think about it. Talk about ways to make it more comfortable for them, and be patient.

Searching for a hormone-free way to prevent pregnancy?

Thanks for reading up on abstinence and outercourse. At Natural Cycles, we’re passionate about birth control choices and believe everyone should have the tools and the knowledge to make informed decisions about their health.

If you’re thinking about coming off hormonal birth control, or are already practicing abstinence or outercourse as a means to prevent pregnancy, then Natural Cycles could be a good fit for you. In 2018, Natural Cycles became the first FDA-cleared birth control app. It’s 93% effective with typical use and 98% effective at perfect use. Users log their temperature each day in the app and get a daily fertility status. With this information, they can then choose to use protection or abstain from sex on fertile days. Why not find out if Natural Cycles could work for you?