Consensual non-consent: CNC kinks explained

If you have ever fantasized about having any type of non-consensual sex, you are definitely not alone — it's a very popular sexual fantasy people have. Yet, despite its popularity, CNC kinks are shrouded in myths, misconceptions, and shame. In our article, we'll discuss everything there is to know about consensual non-consent, which will hopefully help you get to know more about this topic.

What is consensual non-consent (CNC)?

CNC stands for 'consensual non-consent,' and it involves a plethora of sexual and non-sexual activities that are enacted as if they are ‘forced’ on a consenting person. This sexual kink falls under the BDSM umbrella (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism, and Masochism) and requires extensive communication and trust between the individuals who choose to engage in CNC activities. 

It’s important to distinguish that consensual non-consent is pre-agreed between those taking part. However, anyone can withdraw consent at any time. You should never be made to do anything you don’t want to do — then it stops being consensual sex and becomes sexual assault or rape which are serious crimes.

Are CNC kinks normal?

Yes, absolutely! CNC kinks (just like any other kink) are normal. It's a healthy part of our sexuality and nothing to be ashamed or worried about in most cases. If you find your sex life is stopping you from enjoying your everyday life, then it might be a good idea to talk to a medical professional. They may be able to offer advice or treatment like talking therapy. 

What does CNC look like during sex?

When most people hear the term 'CNC,' they think of being forced to have sexual intercourse against their will. However, consensual non-consent can be so much more than that. CNC kinks can include rape fantasies, interrogation, force-feeding, or any act that’s pre-agreed to be played out as non-consensual.

CNC kinks can be seen as controversial for a number of reasons. The very idea of enacting forced sex or power play can be triggering for those who are survivors of sexual assault, rape. It’s important for those taking part in CNC or other BSDM activities to prioritize safety and communication due to the potentially dangerous nature of enacting these types of fantasies. 

 While CNC is by its very nature about pushing and exploring boundaries and may verge into uncomfortable places, it's essential your sexual play always remains safe and legal.

What sort of acts someone chooses to engage in when they explore a CNC kink can look very different from person to person. For some, CNC kink exploration might involve non-sexual activities like being forced to eat foods they dislike against their will. The beauty of any kink is that we have the power to personalize it to fit our needs, wants, and desires.

How common are CNC fantasies?

If you ever feel like you're the only person to have forced sex fantasies, know that you're far from alone – these fantasies are more common than you think.

Social psychologist and researcher Dr. Justin Lehmiller surveyed over 4,000 Americans on their sexual fantasy habits. 98% of people have sexual fantasies and have them often. And the second most popular sexual fantasy was various BDSM activities [1].

BDSM activities include things like power, control, and rough sex, including consensual non-consent. When asked specifically about sexual fantasies involving sex, 61% of people who identify as women, 54% of people who identify as men and 68% of non-binary people said they fantasize about being forced to have sex [1].

When it comes to fantasies of forcing sex on someone, the numbers are different. 20% of people who identify as women enjoy these types of fantasies, compared to 38% of people who identify as men and non-binary [1]. As you can see, a huge number of people have CNC fantasies.

Why are these fantasies so common?

A common misconception about CNC fantasies is that people who have these fantasies must have some mental health problems. This isn’t true — sexual behaviors like spanking, CNC, dominance, or aggression have no link to emotional disturbance, or pathology, or childhood trauma [2,3].

Lehmiller found that people have forced sex fantasies for a few reasons. People with an overly active imagination or those who like to fantasize more often tend to have CNC fantasies more. People who have sensation-seeking personalities are also more likely to have forced sex fantasies [4].

A small number of people with a history of sexual victimization also fantasized about forced sex more. Lehmiller believes that the reason why sexual assault victims have these fantasies is because it's a way for them to take back control over what happened to them — in their rape fantasies, they have control over the situation that they lacked when the assault happened [4].

Interestingly, women tend to fantasize about being forced into sex due to the desire to feel wanted [5]. The idea that someone is so turned on by them and finds them irresistibly attractive is a huge turn-on for many people.

How to safely practice consensual non-consent

Exploring a CNC kink can be a great way to bring sexual novelty into our long-term relationships or simply understand our sexuality better. If you're curious to try any of the consensual non-consent activities with your partner, we have a few tips to help you do it safely:

Set your boundaries

Before engaging in any CNC activities, it's very important to set boundaries. That includes all the partners involved in the activity discussing what acts they are excited to engage in, what okay activities are, and what 'hard no' activities are.

For example, you might be comfortable being forced to engage in oral or penetrative vaginal sex. However, being forced into anal sex or having your hair pulled during the act is not something you consent to.

Both parties (or more if you have more people participating in the act) want to be clear about their boundaries. Even partners who are the 'enforcers' or 'Dominants' might not feel comfortable engaging in certain acts, so it's important that everyone's boundaries are heard and respected.

Consider creating a contract

There is a lot to remember and many things to consider when you're exploring CNC. That's why some people choose to create a BDSM contract before they try to bring their CNC fantasies to life.

Essentially, this BDSM contract is between the people involved, and it outlines all the important information you discuss before anything happens. It includes things like boundaries, what responsibilities each role has, what the safewords are, and even what sort of activities you want to engage in during aftercare.

Determine safewords

Many CNC activities revolve around ignoring the protests and words like 'no,' 'stop and 'I don't want this.' Because of that, it's crucial to establish safe words beforehand that will allow all parties involved to communicate their desire to slow down or stop the activities.

Choosing a safeword is pretty straightforward. You want to pick a word that's easy to remember and say in the heat of the moment but which wouldn't normally come out during sex. For example, Bora Bora, pineapple, or avocado. You and your partner can decide on what word works best for you.

There are instances when you might not want the action to stop completely, but you might want to slow down. Or, you might want an effective way to communicate without breaking the scene. In this case, using a Traffic Light System might be a great choice.

The Traffic Light System involves using colors to communicate during a BDSM scene:

• Green: All is good, let's keep going.
• Yellow: I don't want to stop, but please, let's slow down.
• Red: I want to stop all the activities immediately.

Sometimes, a CNC activity might involve the submissive partner being forcefully silenced by covering their mouth. In this case, you might need a nonverbal safeword, which will indicate to the dominant partner that it's time to pause or stop.

Nonverbal safewords can be a series of taps on a surface (like the wall or bed) or may involve placing your hand on your partner's body part in a certain way. What sort of nonverbal communication you choose is between you and your partner.

Don't hesitate to speak out

All parties involved in consensual non-consent activities have to be on board at all times for it to be pleasurable and fun. Your voice matters, no matter what role you take on. So, don't hesitate to speak out in the middle of the action if any unpleasant emotions, sensations, or feelings come up. Your partner should appreciate this, and honest communication will make the experience better for everyone.

Consider roleplay

If you are feeling shy or uncomfortable engaging in forced sexual activities as yourself, it's totally fine. That's where roleplay comes in handy. By taking on the role of someone else, you can create a distance that can help you feel more confident and bold.

So, consider exploring CNC through roleplay scenarios. For example, play out an alien abduction fantasy where your partner dresses up as an alien and abducts you.

Always practice aftercare

Aftercare includes all the activities we engage in with our partners after sex. That might vary from person to person but can involve things like cuddling, kissing, pillow talk, or having a shower together. It's an essential part of sex, and it's definitely something you want to engage in after a CNC exploration.

How to bring up the idea of trying CNC with your partner

Communicating your sexual desires and wants can be challenging, we get it. It can be even more challenging to communicate certain sexual desires and fantasies like consensual non-consent. So, how do you do it in a safe and healthy way?

Well, that will depend on your relationship. If you and your partner have very honest and straightforward communication about sex, you may say to them: 'I always wanted to explore consensual non-consent, and I was wondering if that's something you'd like to explore with me?'

If you feel a bit more shy, or you're not certain how your partner would react to the suggestion to explore CNC kink, you might want to consider a slower and softer approach. Start off by opening up the conversation about sexual wants, desires, and fantasies. Be curious about what your partner shares, and share your honest desires, too.

Once you are more comfortable and open communicating about your desires and wants, you can bring up your desire to try consensual non-consent. Instead of approaching it as 'I want to try it with you now,' consider finding out what your partner thinks and feels about such a fantasy first. After you get the feel for what your partner is open to, you can then go in further and bring up the idea of exploring it together.

What would aftercare look like following a CNC scene?

Aftercare is something very intimate and personal. You and your partner can decide what sort of activities you want to engage in during aftercare. For some people it might be an opportunity to share emotions and talk or journal about the experience. Others might want to cuddle, or be held by their partner. Taking a shower together, getting a snack, or a drink together are also great aftercare activities.

Pros & cons of consensual non-consent

It's one thing to indulge in sexual fantasies involving CNC, but engaging in these activities in real life is another matter. You might fantasize about something, but it doesn't mean that you need to bring those fantasies to life. However, if you do want to try consensual non-consent activities with a partner, here are some pros and cons you might want to consider:

Pro: Feel closer to your partner — Exploring consensual non-consent with a long-term partner can bring you closer and improve your relationship satisfaction. When couples in long-term relationships engage in novel-arousing activities together, they report higher relationship satisfaction and quality [6]. 

Pro: It allows you to explore your sexuality —Exploring a kink, whether it's consensual non-consent or something less bold like bondage, can be a great way to understand your sexuality better. Through exploration of different things, you can find out what you enjoy most, what might not be your favorite thing, and how your body and mind respond to various activities. All of that will help you have better sex and feel more empowered in your body and with your sexuality.

Con: Risk of injury — Consensual non-consent involves using physical force, which can sometimes end with an injury. While you may feel okay about the occasional bruise or scratch, there are also risks of more serious physical injury, so, always keep that in mind when you are about to engage in CNC sex and be prepared.

Con: With the wrong person, it could be dangerous — As with all types of sex, choosing the right person to engage in consensual, non-consent sex is very important. If you're exploring it with someone new or someone you don't know well, there is always a risk that they might not respect the boundaries you agreed on. So, always be cautious about choosing the right partner for CNC exploration.

When to see a professional

If your CNC fantasies are causing excessive stress and discomfort and interfere with your day-to-day life or have the potential to harm you and those around you, it might be a good idea to seek out professional help. Consider speaking with a therapist, or if you're in a relationship, you might want to look for a couples therapist.

It’s important to remember that consensual non-consent is not the same as rape. All parties involved in the activity have to consent. You are free to withdraw consent at any time. If you express the desire to stop the activity at any point and your partner doesn't stop, it's not CNC but sexual assault. Sexual assault is a crime, and it’s important to take it seriously, talk to the authorities, and consider also how you can look after yourself. Some people may find it useful to talk to a therapist, or a friend or family member, you do not need to go through it alone.

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