How to have sex for the first time: A beginner’s guide

What is sex?

Sex means different things to different people, and there are many different ways to do it. Not all sex involves a penis in a vagina, but that is one way to have sex. Not everyone has sex to get pregnant, they do it because it’s fun and can be a way to connect with your partner. 

Having sex for the first time: What you need to know

Whether you’re feeling anxious or excited about doing it, it’s a good idea to be prepared for what to expect the first time you have sex. 

Your body doesn’t lose anything

Having sex for the first time can feel like a big deal. However, while ‘losing’ your virginity is a milestone for many people, it’s not something that physically changes the body. Instead of thinking about losing something, you might find it helpful to think about gaining a new learning experience and a new level of intimacy with your partner.

If you have penetrative vaginal sex, then there’s a small chance that your hymen may stretch. This can cause a small amount of bleeding or pain. However, most people’s hymens have already stretched from other physical activity by the time they are going through puberty. There’s no way to tell if someone is a virgin or not by looking at their body. 

While your body isn’t changed after sex, there are some physiological signs that happen when people are aroused. These can happen when you masturbate on your own or have sex with someone else. They include:

• Increased heart rate 
• Quickened breathing
• Sweating
• Blood flows to the genitals, causing them to swell (this can happen to the penis and the clitoris)
• The vagina widens and deepens 
• The vagina becomes ‘wet’ – this is your body’s natural lubricant
• The tip of the penis becomes moist (known as pre-cum)

Having sex shouldn’t be shameful or painful

A lot of people may feel anxiety, fear, or dread when it comes to having sex for the first time. As with many fears, this may be due to them not knowing what to expect, or it might be caused by the stigma that surrounds sex. While it’s not often talked about, there’s nothing shameful about having sex, it’s completely natural! Our bodies have an innate ability to feel pleasure. Similarly, sex shouldn’t be painful.

Unfortunately, if you feel nervous or anxious about having sex for the first time, this can cause you discomfort. Take time to make sure you feel relaxed and are ready to do it before you jump into things. Using lubricants and engagingin foreplay to heighten arousal can make penetration more comfortable. Repeatedly feeling pain during sex can be a sign of an underlying condition, so it’s a good idea to talk to your doctor if this happens to you. 

Make sure you have consent (and give it too!)

Perhaps the most important thing of all, when you have sex, is to make sure your partner wants to do it. This needs to happen every time you have sex, not just the first time! Never pressure someone into having sex who doesn’t want to do it. Keep in mind that people who are underage cannot give consent, and drunk, intoxicated, or sleeping people can’t give consent either.

Clear communication is really important here, checking in to see if your partner is still enjoying things is easy. Try asking, ‘Is this OK for you?’ or ‘Do you want to keep going?’ If someone looks like they aren’t enjoying sex, then it’s time to stop.

Remember that you, too, have the choice to stop things at any time. You shouldn’t have to keep asking someone to stop or continue just because you said you wanted to have sex earlier. No matter if it’s your first time or your fiftieth time having sex, it’s OK to change your mind at any time and say when you don’t want to do it.

You might not have an orgasm: and that’s OK!

Everyone’s body is different, and we all experience sexual pleasure differently, too. Having sex for the first time is all about getting to know your body and what you and your partner find pleasurable. This can take time. Don’t worry if you find it hard to climax, or if your partner doesn’t climax the first time you have sex. 

Ask them what feels good, what they enjoy, and try out different types of sex and sexual positions to see what works for you both. Many people find it easier to reach orgasm through masturbation, so you can always show your partner what works for you, or take time on your own to discover what you find pleasurable. 

Contrary to what most films, books, or TV shows portray, a female orgasm is hard to achieve through penetration alone. In fact, one study showed that only 18% of women can orgasm through vaginal penetration. If you want to learn more about female pleasure, then getting to know the clitoris is a good idea. This sensitive organ can be stimulated at the same time as penetrative sex, or you might try using sex toys or having oral sex to achieve orgasm this way.

Safe sex is stress-free sex 

One way to reduce the anxiety around having sex for the first time is to make sure you’re properly prepared, and we don’t just mean emotionally! Not all types of sex come with the risk of pregnancy, but if you’re into penis-in-vagina penetration and aren’t actively trying for pregnancy, then you need to think about birth control. 

While contraception typically falls on female shoulders, it’s a good idea if you both have a conversation about what type of birth control you’re going to use together. No method is 100% effective at preventing pregnancy, and each option comes with its own benefits and drawbacks.

If you’ve had unprotected sex and are worried about pregnancy, there are emergency birth control options out there. These can be used up to five days after having unprotected sex, and are available either over-the-counter at your local pharmacy, or you may be able to access them for free or at a discount price at a sexual health clinic. 

It’s also important to be aware of sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Using condoms can help you protect yourself and your partner against these. If you’ve had unprotected sex and are worried about STIs, then you can attend a sexual health clinic to get screened. All sexually transmitted infections are treatable, and most are curable, but it’s good to seek treatment sooner rather than later.

Sex and porn are different

Many people’s first experience of sex is through watching pornography. While pornography can be a healthy part of your sex life (whether you watch it alone or with your partner), it’s useful to remember that porn isn’t always representative of the kind of sex people are having in real life.

It’s fun to try out new things, but it’s important that you and your partner never feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to.

Ways to reduce anxiety around sex:

Sometimes having a calm frame of mind is easier said than done. Here are some tips to reduce the nerves and help you enjoy intimacy:

Do it with someone you trust

Since clear communication and mutual consent are important parts of intimacy, having sex with someone you trust is a good idea when you start out on this journey. If you feel safe with your sexual partner, you’re more likely to be able to relax and be open and honest about how you feel.

Choose somewhere you feel safe

It’s not just who you’re with but where you are that’s important. Whether it’s your place or theirs, feeling comfortable in your surroundings can help reduce your nerves and make you feel more relaxed. 

Plan ahead

For many people choosing to have sex for the first time is a big deal. You’ll want to be prepared for the big day. Make sure you have everything you need, e.g., condoms, lube, and a relaxing environment around you.

Take it slow

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get it over and done with. Sex is meant to be enjoyable, after all. You’re in control of the pace, so go at your own speed, and if your partner asks you to slow down, make sure you listen too.

Try again later if you need to

If suddenly it all starts to feel wrong, it’s OK to just stop. If it’s not working for you, there’s no reason to keep going. A trustworthy partner will understand this. You can always try again another time.

There are many different types of sex

Not all sex involves putting a penis in a vagina. There are many ways to be intimate with your partner, and many people will never have this type of sex and still consider themselves sexually active. Different types of sex include:

• Oral sex: Stimulating the genital area with your mouth 
• Anal sex: Penetrating the anus with toys, fingers, or a penis
• Fingering/handjobs: Using your hands or your fingers to stimulate the genital area
• Masturbation: Touching yourself for sexual pleasure, you can do this alone or with a partner

Check out our article on the different types of sex to learn more.

What is libido, and where does it come from?

Sometimes called sex drive, libido is someone’s desire for sex. This can vary from person to person and also varies throughout our lifetimes. There are many things that can affect libido, from stress to diet changes. But it’s also linked to our sex hormones: testosterone in males and estrogen and progesterone in females. These hormones are delicately balanced, and changes to them can have a knock-on effect. Not just on our sex drives but on other things too, like our moods or skin clarity. In addition, there are many common medications that can alter your libido, such as antidepressants or some types of birth control.

During the menstrual cycle, levels of estrogen peak around ovulation, this can cause us to have a heightened sex drive during this time in the cycle. On the other hand, progesterone levels are higher in the days before our period, this can cause us to feel tired, sluggish, and have a lower sex drive. 

While males don’t have the same cycle in terms of week-by-week fluctuation, it’s normal to have a spike of testosterone first thing in the morning (yes, there’s a biological reason for those morning erections). Testosterone levels then typically decline throughout the day.

If you have questions or concerns about your desire for sex, you can always seek advice from your healthcare professional. 

What is an orgasm?

Coming, climaxing, whatever you want to call it, an orgasm is a point of sexual release. It is often accompanied by an intense feeling of pleasure and often involuntary muscle contractions in the genital area. In males, ejaculation typically occurs, which is a release of seminal fluid. Some women can also ejaculate, releasing fluid from the glands near their urethra. 

Some people find it easy to reach climax, while others may find it takes a bit longer. Not all sex leads to orgasms, and you can still find it pleasurable and enjoyable without reaching a climax. 

Orgasms are different for everyone, and they can vary in length and intensity between individuals. Where females may be able to have multiple orgasms during sex, males tend to have a longer recovery time between orgasms. 

How to have safer sex

Feeling safe when you start off on this journey of self-discovery is so important. Here are some tips to get you started:

Talk to your partner

Have a kind but honest conversation with your sexual partners about any worries you may have or any info you need to disclose. Communication is always going to help put your worries at ease, and while it may feel strange or embarrassing to talk about sex at first, it’s something that can actually bring you closer.

Use a condom

Whether or not you’re at risk of becoming pregnant, condoms can help protect you against any sexually transmitted infections. You can use condoms for anal sex, vaginal sex, and oral sex. Condoms can also be used alongside other birth control methods (like the pill) to offer you another level of protection.

Get checked for STIs 

Once you’re sexually active, regular STI checks can give you peace of mind. You should do this even if you don’t experience any symptoms, as some STIs don’t have any obvious signs. 

If your partner has had sexual partners before you, they should also make sure they get screened before you have unprotected sex. Getting checked is quick and easy and can even be done during your routine annual OB/GYN visit — you can also do it at a sexual health clinic or, in some cases, order a kit to do it yourself at home.

How to protect against STIs

The best way to stay protected from sexually transmitted infections is to always use a condom — especially when you’re having sex with someone new for the first time. After you’ve both got the all-clear, you may choose to have sex without a condom. If you still want to use a condom with your partner, they should respect this wish, and vice versa. Part of having consensual sex is taking this into consideration.

STI prevention, symptoms & treatment 

There are many types of sexually transmitted infections out there. Some STIs have no symptoms, or there is a delay in symptoms presenting after unprotected sex. For this reason, it’s important to go for regular screenings if you have multiple sexual partners. Depending on your age and where you live, you may also be eligible to get certain vaccinations against STIs, such as HPV. It’s also important to know that some STIs, even after treatment, are chronic and still be transmitted to a partner even after symptoms have gone, so it’s important to be open with your partner and to understand how to have sex safely.

STIs are spread in different ways, and not always through penetrative sex. It’s important to be aware of the risks and have knowledge about the different types of sex that can lead to infection. While sexually transmitted infections may come with a lot of stigma, they are, in fact, very common and, in most cases, totally treatable. 

What STIs can you get from kissing?

• Oral herpes (HSV-1)
• Infectious Mononucleosis (aka Glandular fever/Mono) —while this is called the kissing disease and is spread through saliva, you can also contract it through non-sexual contact

What STIs can you get from oral sex?

• Chlamydia
• Gonorrhea
• HPV
• Herpes (HSV-1 and HSV-2)
• Syphilis
• HIV
• Trichomoniasis
• Shigella

What STIs can you get from touching someone’s genitals?

• Monkey Pox
• Any STI you can get from contact with someone’s blood (e.g., HIV)
• STIs that are transmissible within sexual fluids (such as chlamydia) if this gets on your hands (make sure to wash hands, toys, fingers, etc. if you’re putting them in the vagina or anus)

What STIs can you get from vaginal sex?

• HIV
• Gonorrhea
• Chlamydia
• Herpes (HSV-1 and HSV-2)
• HPV
• Syphilis
• Chancroid
• Hepatitis B & C
• Trichomoniasis
• Genital warts

What STIs can you get from anal sex?

• HIV
• Hepatitis B & C
• HPV
• Syphilis
• Gonorrhea
• Chlamydia
• Herpes (HSV-1 and HSV-2)
• Genital warts

It’s also possible to contract some diseases from microorganisms found in feces (such as salmonella). 

Get to know your body better

We hope this article has helped you learn more about how to have sex. Natural Cycles is the world’s first birth control app, designed to help you get to know your body better and provide reliable contraception without synthetic hormones. It’s available to those aged 18+ and does not protect against STIs. Why not find out if the NC° app could work for you today?